Last year was really tough. My husband's company transfers us A LOT! We've moved 4 times in just two years. This last move has been good, but the one before was literally a nightmare. One thing went wrong after another. First, the tiny town that we moved to didn't offer Pre-k3, so Serenity was left stuck at home instead of going to school every day like she had been used to since turning 3. All of the progress that we had worked so hard on for the last several years started to really regress, and we started experiencing a lot of crazy behaviors. My kids LOVE school! They beg to go to school, even on the weekends. When Serenity lost school last year, she began developing signs of Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), which let me tell you, it is the absolute WORST thing ever!!! Every day, Serenity got upset because Edward go to go to school, but she didn't. She would whine and cry, and throw massive tantrums all day long. I was told by the school district that I could apply to have Serenity attend the Head Start program, which I was super reluctant to do, because I hadn't ever heard anything good about them. The Head Start program started when I was a young child, and was mostly low income families who needed free daycare. They don't use accredited teachers at all. Literally anyone can be a Head Start teacher. I had a lot of doubts about allowing my daughter to be a part of that program, and I honestly wish that I had never done it. I've only ever heard horror stories from people who have had kids in those programs, all over the country, and I just didn't feel comfortable being a part of it. My husband and I talked it over, and decided that maybe we should at least give it a try. Yes, we hadn't heard great things about it from anyone we had talked to, but with Serenity losing her schooling, we had to do what was best for her, and we figured that any kind of routine schooling type activity was better than nothing. I applied, and because my child is "disabled" due to Autism, she was immediately accepted.
Serenity used to be non-verbal. She didn't start speaking until she was about 3 years old. I was scared to enroll her in the public school program because she can't communicate with us about what she wants and needs. She has gotten A LOT better in the last year and half, but at 3 years old, she was barely able to say Mommy and Daddy, and sometimes her own name. She couldn't tell you her last name, how old she was, her parents names, address, phone number, none of it. And the very few things that she could tell you, you were lucky if you could even understand her. Most things sounded like complete jibberish. My kids have been going to therapy since Edward was 3, right after he was first diagnosed with Autism. Serenity was diagnosed at 19 months old (the doctor discovered hers during Edwards evaluation when she was 12 months old and asked us to bring her back 6 months later). Edward immediately started receiving services at a wonderful therapy center, where Serenity started as well right after receiving her own diagnosis. We loved our old therapy center in Tennessee. All of the therapists were absolute angels, and treated us like we were their family. I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be taking care of my kids. However, after a year of therapy there, my husband's job transfered us to North Alabama, and we lost our services. Edward started kindergarten shortly after we moved, and then Serenity started receiving services through the state until she turned 3, and then those services shifted to the local school district. Being an Autism Mom, I make it a point to do everything in my power to find my kids the best possible school in the best possible district that I can, within an hour of wherever we are transferred. The school district we first moved to was wonderful! We were in a small town, and I immediately got in touch with the district special education director before we moved, and worked with her to transition both of my kids into school. I had a wonderful relationship with the district special education director, the school special education teachers, the principal, and my kids' teachers. I was in constant communication with all of them, often talking with them every day. When Serenity had to transition into Pre-K3 on her third birthday, I was scared to put her into school, but she went right into a class with one of Edward's teachers who I absolutely loved, and it made things really easy for me. I had a wonderful relationship with that teacher, and she basically became family. We absolutely loved her! Unfortunately, a few months later, we were transferred to Mississippi. Once again, I did my homework, and worked with the new school district special education department, and ended up in a great school situation. My kids loved their teachers. Just before we left Alabama, I found out that Edward's kindergarten teacher had been bullying us all year, without me knowing it, and as soon as I realized what I was going on, I immediately put a stop to it. I had no idea about it, because being Autistic, Edward couldn't tell me what was going on. He wasn't able to communicate to me that he was being treated differently than the other kids. I had a bad feeling about that specific teacher the first moment that I met her, but I've always been told by my family that "the teachers are professionals and know what they're doing. Let them do their job!" So I trusted the woman. I trusted her for about 7 months before I found out what was going on. Every day, starting on the first day of school, she would send a note home with Edward about him having bad behavior. My sweet little Edward. I had never heard such a thing from anyone. I mean, don't get me wrong, my kids definitely aren't angels, and I'll be the first one to tell you all about what kind of demonic crap they can get up to. And I will never deny it if you tell me that my kids are brats, and did some thing wrong. I'll always believe you, because I fully know what kind of crap they are capable of. I see it every day. But my kids have NEVER misbehaved in school. I've never had a bad report from a single teacher or therapist, except for that one specific woman. All of Edward's other teachers were constantly telling me what a sweet boy he is and how he's such a pleasure to have in their class, and just how much they love him. Yet every single day, that one teacher had "behavior problems" with him. Just two weeks into school, my husband and I were called in for an IEP meeting, and the woman told us that Edward wasn't "mature" enough for kindergarten, and that she wanted to push him back into Pre-K. Edward had never gone to Pre-K. We chose not to send him, because the school district we lived in at the time completely sucked, and I had actually gotten into a fight with them over his Autism diagnosis. The district special education lady told us that she didn't believe Edward's diagnosis from Vanderbilt University and the National Autism Study that my kids are a part of. She said that she didn't think that Edward was actually autistic, and maybe just had some kind of "developmental delay". Yeah, whatever lady! Tennessee doesn't require their teachers to be licensed. You can just randomly decide out of the blue that you want to be a teacher, and they'll give you a classroom full of students. Why the hell should I believe someone who I'm not even sure is college educated, or even knows a single thing about Autism? Plus, Edward was going to his therapies at the center that we loved, 2-3 hours a day, 4 days a week. Why did we need to send him to Pre-K? Also the therapy center had a group of kids his same age that they did their own Pre-K group with two days a week. We spoke with the kids therapists, and decided that Edward was progressing wonderfully with all of his therapies, so rather than pulling him out, and putting him in public school that year, we would continue with the therapy schedule that we were already on. When we moved, and the therapy center gave me all of my kids' paperwork, Edward's therapists assured me that he was right on track, and fully ready to start Kindergarten, and that they had absolutely no concerns that he wouldn't do well in school. So when we were told by the Kindergarten teacher that Edward wasn't "mature" enough for Kindergarten, and needed to be held back, I was angry. She was contradicting everything that we had previously been told. But being new to the public school program, and having been told by my family that the teachers know what they're going and to listen to them, I blindly did as I was told. The school allowed Edward to go to Kindergarten for about 2 hours in the morning, then pushed him into Pre-k for the remainder of the day. It wasn't until we were moving to Mississippi, and I started talking to the new school district, trying to work out a plan for Edward's IEP, and was told that they didn't have a program like he was currently doing, that I found out what was really going on. I immediately went to the kids' Pre-K teacher (she had Serenity in the morning and Edward the remainder of the day), and I asked her what to do because the new district was going to put Edward into full-day Kindergarten, and I was worried about him being behind. However, she told me that she wasn't even sure why Edward was in her class in the first place, because he didn't need to be. He was plenty "mature" enough for Kindergarten, he was reading, and far more advanced than all of the other kids, and that she felt that Edward should have been in full-day Kindergarten all along. Interesting! After talking with her, I immediately went to the Principal to discuss my concerns, and had Edward moved from partial day Kindergarten, back to full-day, for the remainder of our time at the school, until we moved a couple weeks later. From the second Edward went back to full-day kindergarten, his teacher was FURIOUS! That woman HATED me! She was very snippy and rude to me. Every single day that year, she marked Edward down on his behavior. She hated that I went over her head to the Principal, but I was mad, and I couldn't believe what was happening. I told the Principal everything, and she immediately remedied the situation. The even crazier part was when we moved, I bought cupcakes for my kids' classes, and took them to the school on the kids last day, just to say thank you and goodbye. I arranged a specific time with each teacher, for me to come in that day. When I walked into Edward's classroom, the teacher immediately hid from me. She said maybe 2 words to me, then hid in the back corner as I passed out cupcakes and the other students all said goodbye to Edward. Edward's other teachers gave him a nice gift to say goodbye, and kept telling me how sad they were to see us go. But then this woman . . . As we were leaving that day, she handed me Edward's report card, and a letter to the new school, telling them her wishes that he be held back the following year, and repeat Kindergarten all over again, because she felt that he wasn't "ready" or "mature enough". I was PISSED!!! I still have that letter. To this day, it still seriously angers me. Obviously, I never gave the letter to the new school. My husband and I talked about it, and decided that we would let the new school do their own evaluations, and that we would decide what to do at the end of the year. And even then, IF they recommended that Edward be held back, we would hire a tutor or something to help us over the summer, then have him reevaluated after that, before we made a decision on what grade he would go into. The new school LOVED us! The teachers loved us! At the end of the year (3 weeks after we moved there), I had a meeting with the school special education teacher who told me just how wonderful my kid is, how well he was doing, how advanced he was, and that he would do great in first grade the next year. I then told her about the letter from the Kindergarten teacher at the old school and she was completely SHOCKED! She came right out and told me that it sounded to me like that teacher had been bullying us because she didn't want to deal with an Autistic kid. I told her about how the teacher had been irritated with me when she first found out that Edward had never gone to Pre-K, and the Special Education teacher told me that it was probably a combination of that irritation and the Autism, that made that teacher decide to bully us. She didn't want to be "inconvenienced" by my kid, so she pushed him off on someone else. Every day the woman marked down his behavior as a problem, and sent a note home about it. Every day, I made Edward write her a letter telling her how sorry he was for being "naughty" and the he would do better, and I would sent it to school with him, along with her favorite candy bar as an apology. The new school was baffled by what we had been through, and couldn't believe that had happened. It's now been almost two years, and I am still really upset over it. Edward is now in second grade, and absolutely THRIVING! He has perfect grades, perfect behavior, and I am once again told what a wonderful, bright and gifted student he is, and how he is going to do so many wonderful things in life. But that one Kindergarten teacher completely bullied us because she had a problem with Autism.
Anyway, so back to Serenity. Serenity started Pre-K at the age of 3, and went right into our district's 3 year old program. When we moved to Mississippi, the district had the same program, so Serenity was able to continue exactly what she was used to, and we actually added a few more days. Originally she was going for 2 1/2 hours a day, 2 days a week, which was then moved to 3 hours 3 days a week, then 5 days a week. Serenity LOVED school! She was doing really well. She started to speak more, and was speaking more clearly every day. Then then, 5 months after moving Mississippi, we were transferred back to a tiny town in Alabama, with a smaller school district. I had done my homework on the district, and they had the highest rated schools in the area. Every school in the district had an A Niche score. But when we got to town, we found out that there was only a Pre-K4 program, so Serenity lost her schooling. She was able to get half an hour of both speech and occupational therapy through the district, once a week, but that was it. And that was when her behaviors started. Serenity was so upset over losing school, that she was lashing out at my husband and I because she wanted to be like Edward and go to school every day. It was then that we decided to give the Head Start program a chance. We were very reluctant, but decided that some kind of schooling was better than nothing, and being the super involved, helicopter parent that I am, I would be watching them like a hawk to make sure that everything was going well. Unfortunately for everyone, Head Start is run by the state and the local county, not by the school district. Serenity had to be driven 25 minutes to the next tiny town (even smaller than where we lived, as in one high school and one lower school for kindergarten-8th grade) for her to attend Head Start. And school started for both kids, in two different towns, at the exact same time. I had to drop Edward off by 7:30 in the morning (the earliest I was allowed to drop off), and race like crazy to get Serenity 25 minutes away to the next town, to school there before 8am. Serenity would get out of school at 2pm, and then I would have to race back across town to pick Edward up at 2:45. Luckily (well, not so much for us because it was a nightmare), Serenity only attended Head Start for two weeks. I won't get into all the details, but there as a Child Welfare Services report filed by me, due to my daughter being abused and neglected by her "teachers". I also got into a fight with the head of the county Head Start program when I withdrew Serenity, and the guy tried to lie to my face about a conversation that we had in person, just a week prior. A conversation that was had during a "parent meeting" about a bully in the class. The guy tried to tell me that it never happened, there wasn't a bully, and IF there was, it wasn't any of my business, and I wouldn't even know about it, unless my child was either A: the victim or B: the bully. Which was all exactly my point. I shouldn't have known that a bully existed unless my child was one of those two people. Yet the dude, talked to all of the parents about it, asking what we felt would be the program's best actions to deal with said bully. Dude completely denied the entire thing. I called him out on everything that was said, then demanded the withdrawal paperwork for my kid, and let him know that not only would she never be back, but that I had filed a child welfare report, and that they were being investigated because of the abuse and neglect to my kid. Let's just say that thanks to the report that I filed, the entire program in that country was completely shut down within two months. I have no idea what was found, because Child Services never told me any details after coming to my home to see my daughter, but the program was shut down, and everyone lost their jobs. But really, what can I say except YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!!
I absolutely hate what my children have been put through. Every day I wish like hell that I had known what was going on sooner. I wish that my kids had been able to tell me what happened at school. I wish they had been able to come to me to tell me that the teacher was being mean to them and treating them unfairly. Serenity's Head Start teachers were refusing to take the students to the bathroom, and I only found out when Serenity was being sent home in wet clothes every day, then I suddenly showed up to pick her up early one day (her last day there I showed up before 1pm after text messaging the teachers to let them know I was on my way). When I got there, Serenity's clothes were completely urine soaked, and she was shivering cold. I touched her clothes and they were wet from her neck down, and ice cold. When I asked the teacher for the two outfits from her cubby, so I could change her clothes, I was told that those were also wet, and that she had peed through them. Dude, they literally told me that my kid had 3 accidents between 8am and 1pm, going through 3 sets of clothes, and they couldn't even be bothered to let me know? Edward had an accident one day in kindergarten, and after he was changed into clean clothes, I received a text message asking me to please bring an extra set of clothes to the school right away, just in case. After that day, I made sure that my kids' backpacks both had 2 sets of clean clothes in them, every day. The day I picked Serenity up from school, in the soaking wet clothes, it was 25 degrees outside. I had to parade her through the school building across, the freezing cold parking lot, out to the car, where she then had to sit in her wet clothes to drive 25 minutes home before I could bathe her, and get her warmed back up, and into clean clothes. I was FURIOUS!!! That was her last day of Head Start. It was a Friday, and Monday I threw a massive fit to the Head Start office, and filled our the withdrawal paperwork, spoke with the school principal at the school the Head Start program was located at, who was amazing, pissed off that he had no idea what was going in his own school, and went with me to get Serenity's soiled clothes from the Head Start teachers who had failed to put them in her backpack for me the day I picked her up. I then called the local child advocacy center to ask for advice about what to do to help my kid, and then told immediately let me know that what my child had been through was both abuse and neglect, and that by law they had to file a report with child welfare services. At first I was terrified and angry, because I didn't want my name, or my child's name on any case of theirs. I've always been terrified of those people, because in a lot of places they've been known to traffic children for money, taking them away from loving families for bogus reasons. I didn't want any part of that, and I refused to risk my children for anything. Unfortunately, because I had called the child advocacy center for advice, they by law had to file a report. The lady assured me that she wouldn't give child services my name or information, but without my help, how great of an investigation could they really do? How many other kids were being neglected and abused? How much proof could they get without me? As a mother, you never want your kids to be hurt. I was put in an impossible position, but I had to help. How many other children just like mine were being hurt? If I could save just one other child, it make what I was doing worth it. I let the child welfare agent come to my home, and see my daughter. I cooperated with the report and investigation, providing pictures of what happened to my daughter. Now, like I stated earlier, I have no idea exactly what was found, but the program was shut down. Child Services told me that because Head Start was run by the State and the County, it was one state agency investigating another state agency, which is a HUGE deal. To this day, I am so glad that I cooperated, and had that horrible program shut down. I have no idea how many children I saved from abuse, but I know that it was over 50 just in the two classes at that one school.
It's now been just 13 months since that awfulness happened, and I still regret ever putting my daughter in that awful situation. I had no way of knowing what was going on. My daughter was only 3 years old, and barely verbal. She was hardly able to tell me what she wanted to eat, or that she wanted to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on tv. How was she supposed to tell me that she was being abused and neglected in school? With Autism, my kids have a really hard time communicating their wants an needs. Last year, Edward was being bullied by a kid at school, who was stealing his lunch, and I had no idea until the day that Edward asked me to pack him a second lunch for that kid, and I went to the teacher to ask if the kid needed a lunch. My sweet little boy thought that the other kid was just hungry and didn't have a lunch. Come to find out, he got free lunch at school every day, and didn't need anything at all. The teacher was providing the kid snacks every day, and then he got lunch at school. He didn't need Edward's lunch, yet he was taking it anyway. And sweet little Edward just thought that his "friend" was hungry. He also thought that when the kid chased him on the playground at recess and threw balls and took stuff from him at PE, that it was a fun game. He thought the kid was his friend. My sweet little boy had no idea that he was being bullied, and as soon as I found out, I immediately contacted the teachers, and had a stop put to it. I even went as far as going to the Principal around Christmas to ask if there was something that I could do to help the other kid's family because my husband had gone to the class Christmas party and the kid seemed really down. He didn't have a parent there, and he was completely withdrawn and upset the whole time. I found out that he was the only child who wasn't signed out early after the party, and had to stay at school the fully day. It broke my heart, and I wanted to help. I had also noticed in class photos that the kid's clothing was too small and didn't seem to fit him. I offered to give his family clothes, food, Christmas presents. The kid might have been bullying my son, but I had no idea what kind of craptastic home life he had, and no child deserves to go without. My husband and I definitely aren't rich. We've struggled from time to time, but we do our best, and our kids have never gone without. We give back as much as we can, and we do our best to help out whenever we see the need. Edward couldn't tell us any of that stuff about what was going on with his "friend" at school. He was completely oblivious. He didn't know that he was being bullied. Because of Autism, he has an entirely different set of social cues than other kids. My kids don't pick up on things that others do. They see the world differently. My kids are always happy, and always smiling.
These last 9 months of Covid completely ravaging our country, my kids have been completely oblivious. They have no idea what is going on around them. Literally all they know is that there is a "big bad sickness" and they can't leave the house. They are doing virtual school, other than going to routine doctor visits and the one day we took the kids to the zoo back in November, my kids haven't left the house in 9 months other than go maybe drive through somewhere for food. They've been home for 9 long months, and they have no idea why. They don't understand what is going on around them. They just know that they can't go to school because Mommy and Daddy said that is isn't safe, and they'll get very sick and could end up in the hospital. My kids think that the hospital is a fun place. Taking them to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital for evaluations was always fun for them. The staff there is wonderful, and does all play based evaluations. My kids have always had a great time at the hospital, and have no knowledge about what a hospital is REALLY like. Even Alabama Children's hospital is more of a fun experience, the couple times that we've had to go there. My kids don't remember the MRIs they've had to get, or anything else, because they've been under anesthesia. All they remember is that the nurses and doctors played with them. They don't know what really goes on at all. Autism is an entirely different world.
Yesterday, while my kid were eating lunch, Serenity said something to me, which is REALLY bothering me right now. Because my kids and Autistic and unable to communicate with us the way that other kids their age do, they aren't able to tell us things that happen. We can ask them questions all we want, until we are blue in the face, and it's like talking to a brick wall. We can explain Covid in extreme detail, and they'll still be completely clueless. My kids to this day, still think that Walmart has the "big bad sickness" and that's why they can't go there. They have no idea what Covid is airborne, and all around us. They don't understand why they have to wear a mask if we go places, or why Mommy and Daddy are spraying everything that comes into our house with Lysol; mail, amazon deliveries, groceries. Literally everything coming in the door gets Lysol. They don't understand what our family is at very high risk for getting sick, and that if one of us catches this horrible virus, we could immediately end up in the ICU and possibly die. My husband and I have been doing everything we possibly can to prevent all of us from getting sick. None comes into our home, we don't go out unless absolutely necessary, and then it's just him and I, and we immediately shower and wash our clothes as soon as we get home. Our kids don't understand any of that. They have zero concept of the things that happen to them. They don't understand that vaccines help them, and prevent them from getting sick. They just know that the injection hurts. They don't know when they are being picked on and bullied. They can barely communicate their wants and needs to us a lot of the time. So yesterday, my kids were sitting at the dining room table, eating their lunch, the same thing they eat every single day of the year, and Serenity says "Mommy, when I used to go to school, the girl took my lunch. She stole my food!" Serenity is now almost 5 years old. She turns 5 in February. She is talking so much now, most of the time about things that my husband and I care less about, but because of Autism and her specific behaviors, when she tells us things, she says them repeatedly, until we acknowledge them. She'll repeat things literally a million times, until we acknowledge what she's said. My kids have no idea what lying is. They don't really know what "pretend" is. So for Serenity to come to me and tell me something that randomly happened to her at school a year ago, when she hasn't been in a school building or setting at all since then, I have to believe her. I also know from unfortunate experience that her last time at school was completely horrible, and that she was abused and neglected. So hearing those words out of her little mouth, that some girl stole her lunch, completely crushed me! I am devastated! I feel like the worst mother on the planet. I literally want to cry. I know that I did the right thing, pulling Serenity out of the Head Start program, and filing the Child Services report, that went on to get them shut down. I know that I saved at least 50 other kids from the same abuse and neglect that my baby girl went through. It kills me to know that my baby went through all of that, without being able to tell me about any of it. And just now, some of those memories are coming back, and she is able to communicate well enough to tell me that it happened. Of course there is absolutely nothing that I can do about any of it at this point, and I am more than happy that it's all behind us. But at the same time, I am completely devastated that my sweet little baby girl, had to go through that nightmare. I feel terrible for putting her in that situation, and for not being there to protect her. And that is going to stay with me for the rest of my life. I feel like I failed my daughter. She isn't even 5 years old, and I feel like I've failed her. I fight every single day to do what is best for my kids, to give them the best foods, get them the best therapies, find them the best schools, the best vitamins, the best clothes, the best toys, the best books . . . I fight every day to be my kids' advocate and their voice. I fight for them because they can't fight for themselves. But some days, I just feel like a complete failure, and it's like a punch to the gut. Serenity's words are killing me right now, and after everything that we've been through in the last 13 months, I'm back to feeling like I've completely failed her. I put her in that situation. I wasn't there to protect her. I feel like I've failed as a mother and as a parent. I should have been there. I should have done better.
Autism freaking sucks!!! It steals things from you. It cripples you. You will fight every single day to get all of the best things for you kids. You will do everything you possibly can for them, spend every last cent you have to give your kids the best life possible. My kids don't ask for much. They are spoiled rotten and have more clothes and toys than any other kids that we know. My kids have their routine, and things the same every single day, because that's Autism, and that's the life that we live. A couple weeks ago, Edward asked for pizza for dinner. It was right before Christmas, and we still had presents to buy, and bills to pay. I told Edward no pizza because we didn't have a lot of money to throw around. He was upset and bugging me about it, so I told him to go away, and "go talk to Daddy" because Daddy has a way of explaining things better, and is always able to get through to Edward in a way that I can't. My husband bought the kids pizza that night. And when I questioned him on it, I don't remember the exact words he said to me, but basically what he said was that our kids don't ask for much. So when they do, and when it's something as cheap as a $5 Little Caesars Pizza, we can figure out a way to get it for them. $5 isn't going to completely devastate us. Ok, so I was trying to save money, and figure out how to pay all of the bills, and still give the kids a good Christmas with our small budget. I've been really sick for several months, and my medical bills have been adding up. I was stressed out with Christmas and finances, so I said no to pizza. But my sweet sensible husband reminded me that it's just pizza, and it brings the kids joy. No, they didn't need it. We had plenty of food in the house, and we were never in danger of anyone starving. The kids just wanted a treat, and they should never go without because we think that we can't, or we don't want to figure out a way to do something. If we can't figure out a way to buy the kids a $5 every so often, then what kind of parents are we? It's only $5, and it brings a smile to their little faces, and gives them so much joy. And with everything else that they are going through, how can we deny them the simple joy of pizza?
Autism is hard. It flat out sucks! There are so many challenges that we go through in our lives. Every day is a fight for something. A lot of the time you as a parent are going to feel like a complete failure. But in the eyes of your kids, you're a hero. I saved my kids from being bullied and abused. I feel like the worst mother on the planet for my kids having to go through those tough situations. But you know what? They really have no idea that the stuff even happened. But you know what they do know? They know that when they asked, they got a $5 pizza, and that made them happy. Autism sucks! But the smiles and the joy that are behind the struggles, they made every fight worth it.
